Being Sad Is Sad

Hey gay,

I am here to write out my 2 am thought bubbles. I was laying in bed, trying to go to sleep and I just started thinking about how sometimes (right now) I wish that I didn't have this permanent ball of sadness/grief at the bottom of my heart. Because being sad is sad. And being happy is happy. I think I get perceived or portrayed as this :D jokey jokey, light hearted, fun person, but there's a side of me that a lot of people don't get to see. Is this masking? I don't know. Because I do feel fun and :D a lot of the times and I'm not pretending when I am in those moments. If there's one thing I'm not going to do, it's pretend. Maybe this is why I don't mind sharing so much on my Instagram stories. To show people the spectrum of emotions because people really only show the happy stuff on social media. Looking back at my losses, I honest to Korean Jesus that I didn't act like a jerk or was mean. Depressed? Yes. Lashing out? No. But then again depression causes memory loss so who knows. And maybe I should have. I just remember being/feeling closed. I should've experienced the full range of emotions and let it out because after all the pushing and pushing, it has now become a ball of charcoal at the bottom of my heart. I felt the need to suppress my emotions, especially when my dog died because it happened right before my semester started at my new school. And I knew what happened with school when my friend passed few years prior (drop out for a year) so I really forced myself to lock in.

I think it's just sad how there is a piece of me that I don't remember. I asked my friend one time what I was like when my friend passed away and she said that it was like I lost a part of myself. And I don't remember rest of her messages because I started crying lol. I binge played animal crossing, didn't go outside for days, and then used work as a distraction. And last week, my other friend brought up how down bad I was when my dog died (within context, it wasn't just random blurt out). I don't remember being this person because I was trying to survive I think. Tunnel vision maxxing. It's wild how these experiences you're having becomes a completely new experience for other people to perceive and digest if that makes any sense.

If I could say a word to people experiencing grief, it would be: it's going to suck so fucking bad like you will get your shit rocked for years to come. But flower growing out of concrete will come find you. Being sad is okay. Being happy is okay. 

At the end of the day, I think I'm happy because I know to be sad. I now crash out because I know that post crash out clarity feels amazing and I come back better than before. It's like being able to stretch your body fully. Yes, it hurts but it will feel so good afterwards. 

#27