Ummm What Was That?

Hey diva,

I have been immensely busy. Which is becoming the norm, but I honestly don't know how to feel about it when literally everyone is like yeah you're super busy, always doing something. Like it almost feels like it's coming from a place of jealousy? Not in a negative way, but in a way that feels like I'm being put on a pedestal. Is that the "price" of constantly putting yourself out there? Perhaps. 

Lately, I've been trying to do things instead of thinking about doing things. And enjoying to process of it all more. Which is a lot harder than it seems. A saying that was brought up in my creative process class was, "If you do it, then you did it." Which resonated with me a lot. And going back to the enjoying the process, the result of whatever the fuck doesn't matter if you're doing that shi for the love of the game and truly following your heart. If it flops, it flops. But you did it. And tell me how many people in your vicinity can say the same thing. That you did it and not just think about doing it. 

And the thing is, the thirst for the final result to succeed brings a lot of emptiness afterwards. Bigger the thirst, bigger the emptiness. I wanted my first exhibition to be this amazing thing in a "commercial" way. I wanted it to propel me into the atmosphere. Whatever the fuck that could be. But where are all the works from that exhibition? All wrapped up, sitting in my closet. But I look back at the experience and remember all the individual human to human impact that it made. Something that isn't measurable. And I remember that that's why I create. I just hope people can feel that everything that I create is coming from my heart. 

Also, I started a substack because idk. I just did (me when I do things and not just thinking about doing things). But I realized that it was not my vibe. There was too much of... everything. I like my little blog here where it feels like it's just me and the words. It was scary out there. So I'm going to stay in my room and probably delete the substack account lol. It felt performative almost, because there is an audience that you can gain. So the words felt like it was trying to convince someone. Which isn't my goal. I want my words to be found by people that need it. And I wouldn't have known if I tried!! Like yall get my jist? Yall picking up what I'm putting down? Anyways, it's a beautiful day today and I hope love and peace touches you this March <3

Music I listened to while writing this: https://youtu.be/nhg1-Lp47b8?si=SbPXYomEY5lQYw4b

#28